WEEKLY LIMERICK!!!!!!

The Long and Winding Lad


There's a strange little lad from Kent,
who's member is curiously bent,
when asked why that was,
he said it's because
he enjoyed sticking it wherever he went.

Devil Farts in Hand, Smells It

Never shake hands with the Devil

In addition to tempting mankind into sin, possessing the bodies of unbaptized children and spreading depravity and corruption through-out the land,  the recent discovery of a series of ancient Biblical texts show that Satan, the great opponent of God, was also  fond of farting into his own hand and smelling it.

"It's a logical extension of the diabolical aspect," says religious iconologist  Kip Zachwell, "traditionally cleanliness and godliness have been closely associated with one another. So have evil and foulness. Certainly it [farting into one's own hand and smelling it] falls into the latter category."

The newly discovered texts now nicknamed "The Stinkhand Scrolls" were discovered in a series of burial caves in the Shav'id Mountains east of  Jerusalem.

Though written in Aramaic the scrolls have been translated into English.

The following passage clearly describes Satan (or Lucifer) checking to see if any one is nearby before reaching his hand back, farting solidly into his palm then bringing it to his nose and inhaling deeply:

"...And a mighty tremor built so that the ground shook and Lucifer took his hand and placed it to his crack [literally: his rupture] and there issued forth a foul noise and the air hung heavy and then Lucifer raised his hand to his face and smelt of it and the birds fell dead from the heavens."

Other passages in the scrolls suggest that Satan is an emotionally unstable drunk and a selfish lover.

Furthermore 666, the so called "number of the beast" once thought to be the mystical designation of evil is revealed in the scrolls to be merely the area code of Satan's actual number in Los Angeles, the last seven digits being 714-2987.

Theories that the scrolls are actually a series of angry letters from Satan's ex-girlfriend Clarise have yet to be substantiated.

Brilliant Child King Builds Army of Robotic Spiders To Get Back at His Mother

Mwha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

DRAZLO, KROSKOVIA- 3 year old King Brahmkin Sal-Hourtz Grakto vowed last night to use his vast political power to get back at his mother for not allowing him to stay up and watch the Kroskovian sci-fi classic "Kracktiv Slorvo"  for the 10th time.

King Grakto, who is the acting regent in Kroskovia following his father's mysterious death last February, has pledged all of his country's resources towards the construction of an army of robotic spiders with which to exact his revenge.

"This will teach Mama that when her King wishes to watch  Kracktiv Slorvo, he will watch Kracktiv Slorvo!" says an official palace statement issued late Wednesday night.

According to the official blueprints, which were drafted by Grakto in crayon on a series of napkins, the spiders themselves will range in height from 50 cm to 20 meters, weigh anywhere from several kilograms to several hundred tonnes and will carry a payload of neuro-toxin capable of paralyzing an elephant. The spiders will also possess the ability to fly.

"Mama will try to hide but she cannot hide from spiders of this size. Also she will not be able to hide from spiders of this size that fly, as these do," laughs King Grakto.

Production on the army of robotic spiders is expected to begin within the week. 

Grakto's mother, Queen Jemelia Anhalia-Louise Grakto could not be reached for comment.

WEEKLY LIMERICK!!!

GRAB ASSER

There's a generous reward for the capture,
of a deviant young man from New Hampshire,
He runs 'round in the night,
giving the ladies a fright,
as he fondles their rear-ends in rapture.

Terrible Fish Devours Rat, Scares Children

DAVENPORT, NORTH CAROLINA-

Evil in the form of terrible fish

A terrible fish was pulled out of the Davenport City sewer system Friday night, officials say.

The fish, a five foot long monstrosity with razor sharp two-inch fangs and glowing yellow eyes was found after a storm drain over-flowed, vomiting the fish out onto the street a mere ten feet from a school.

"I heard yelling from the street and I thought a student had been hit by a car," says Mark Seeley, a science teacher at Oliver North High, "I came running downstairs and found a group of kids standing in a circle."

Suspecting the worst, Seeley pushed his way through the crowd only to find the terrible fish, thrashing about in an inch or so of dirty water, the half eaten remains of a large sewer rat clutched in it's teeth.

"The thing didn't seem to be particularly bothered by the air," says Seeley, "All told it spent almost an hour out of water without any discernible signs of damage. I don't think it's really a fish." He added.

The creature proved to be very aggressive, lunging at the gathered students and making high pitched shrieking noises using what was later confirmed to be a set of primitive vocal chords.

"The students were pretty shaken up. Several were weeping. Some were reciting prayers. One wanted to smash it with a rock but I didn't let them," explains Seeley, "You don't just go smashing unidentified species with rocks. Not on school property anyway. "

Recruiting the help of the school's groundskeeper, Harvey Whiteclit, Seeley managed to catch the fish-like creature in a tarp and place it in a large aquarium in the school's science lab.

"As soon as we placed it in the tank it started bashing the walls with it's spiked tail and trying to bite at the glass," says Seeley.

The student body of Oliver North Highschool harbor mixed feelings about the fish. 

"I had to see that thing with my own eyes, "says Quint Harris, a senior at Oliver North Highschool,  "now that I have, I wish I hadn't. Why would a caring God create something like this?"

"I don't like the idea of that thing being in our school," says Debbie Clark, a junior, "There's something evil about it. And it's fins are like little hands. Jesus, I get physically sick just thinking about it."

"This is just another example of the absurd emphasis we place on physical beauty" says Kent Grakner senior and Captain of the school LARP team. "If that fish had big blue eyes,  creamy skin and a well proportioned dorsal muscle we'd all be cooing at it. This superficiality just makes me sick. I'm tired of it."

Grakner is widely regarded as one of the ugliest students at Oliver North Highschool.

The terrible fish is currently being kept at Oliver North Highschool with plans of transferring it to the marine bio-diversity lab at Duke University later this week.

As of this writing, its species has yet to be identified.

Excerpt from the Santa Claus Interview

He's dreaming of a predominantly White Christmas

The following is an excerpt from the Amnesty International Interview with Saint Nicholas conducted by Martin Polk on August 12, 2009 in the North Pole.



August 12, 2009

--I met Saint Nicholas at his home in  the North Pole. He led me to a comfortable drawing room and offered me a bourbon and water.

POLK: So, this is actually a very nice...house? Mansion? What do you call it?

SAINT NICK: (Coughs, clears throat) Well technically it's a ranch house.

P: Well it's very nice. And who lives here? Just you and your wife right?

SN: Yeah, me and her. And sometimes we'll get a visitor. Stay a few days.

P: Really, like an, an elf or somebody-

SN: No. The Elves have their own...the elves have a very different idea of hospitality than we do. They live, they live- (motioning far, far away) -

P: But you have them over from time to time though, they must visit and-

SN: No. No I've never had one here.

P: You've never had an elf...what, in the -in the house? In this house?

SN: Well, I mean, they built it, obviously but after that....

P: What, they don't want to or-

SN: They don't want to and frankly I don't want them to. It's mutual.

P: You don't want them to set foot in your house.

SN: I prefer that we keep different social circles.

P: Why, because you work together and you want to separate your work and your-

SN: It's a little more complex than that but...essentially. Yes. Something like that.

P: So who do you have over to the house if not the elves. Are there other people here in...the North Pole, other people like yourself?

SN: I have friends from all over the world. It's not like I'm a hermit up here. We, me and Mrs. Claus, we only work a few months out of the year and the rest of the time we take advantage of the lifestyle my career has allowed us.

P: So, you go travelling?

SN: Yes. God, absolutely. The North Pole is a great place to get work done,-labor's very, very cheap for instance- but it's not the sort of place you'd want to pursue any sort of social life.

(Suddenly Saint Nicholas becomes agitated. He turns to a nearby window.)

SN: What are you looking at! Go on! Get out of here! Go on!!!

(I turn to look and notice a small, delicate face wreathed in jingle bells. It's staring forlornly through the Northern most window. A second later and it's gone. Saint Nicholas has turned red with anger. He continues staring at the window until long after the face has disappeared.)

P: Was that an elf?

SN: (Grumbles something unintelligible, sips his bourbon and water.)

P: You seemed to be very angry at him. Has he done something wrong?

SN: Wrong? Well, trespassing for starters. This is private property. They know that. This place is off limits to them.

P: He just seemed like he was curious. I don't think there was any harm done-

SN: No harm done? Boy, you city slickers don't have a clue do you? They're like ants. You let one in, two more will show up. You let those in, four more show up.  Pretty soon the place is INFESTED. Then you've got problems. Then you've got problems.

(Saint Nicholas swirls his bourbon and water).

P: But they work for you.

SN: Yes.

P: You need them. You rely on them.

SN: They're convenient for me, yes.

P: And do you, pay them for their services?

SN: In a manner of speaking.

P: What do you mean, in a manner of speaking? Do they receive monetary compensation for their labor?

SN: Money means nothing to them.

P: So what do you pay them in.

SN: I'm not going to answer that. Just rest assured it's a sort of currency they prefer.

P: Is it Jingle bells?

SN: I already told you I'm not answering that question.

P: Are you a racist bigot sir?

SN: This interview is over.

Bro to Dude: Chill!

Dude, whatever, I am fucking done taking to you tonight.

Dude, we go back a long time. All the way back to Highschool to when those kids were throwing rocks at me and you said: "Hey you fuckin' dicks quit it!" So you gotta believe that this does not come easily when I say you gotta chill.

But you do. Just take a step back and look at the situation. Look at yourself. Look at me. I'm your bro, dude. We don't act like this. This is not us.

Now,  I know that I might have been being a bit of a dick but dude, this is the very definition of an incommensurate  response.

Let me explain:

First you were a whiny little bitch when we got to the theater ten minutes late for The Social Network. I know it sucks when you're in the mood for something and you miss it but dude, we're human beings, we adapt to changing situations and it's no reason for you to have been a whiny little bitch

Furthermore, for the record,  I am not the sort of guy who likes walking into a movie ten minutes late. It just ruins it for me. I know we probably only would have missed previews but honestly -and I don't want to sound uncultured or anything- but those are usually my favorite part. That's why I'm not such a jerk about what movie we go and see: I just like laying back, takin' in some previews with my Bro and just chillaxing.

But, if we miss the previews, that's like half the fun for me so I hope you understand why we didn't go see The Social Network and went, instead, to see the Expendables which started 20 minutes later and which I thought was actually a pretty fucking awesome movie and I know you secretly did too.

Secondly,  dude, you ate like all the fucking popcorn. I asked if you wanted to get some and you said no. And so I thought like you didn't actually want any and so I bought a medium one instead of a large thinking I'd be eating the whole thing myself.

Surprise: no.

You decided you were actually very  hungry during the  OPENING CREDITS and started taking big fucking handfuls. I thought you were just having a taste but the popcorn was 2/3 of the way empty by the time Arnold Schwarzenegger showed up.

That is such bullshit and even Chris would agree and you better believe I'm going to tell him about this next time we hang.

Yeah, I know I sound pissed off now. Guess what? I am. Because you totally ruined what should have been a really nice evening by being a dick. And now I feel like a dick because I'm having to tell you to chill out.

Oh and P.S. you remember the reason we were ten minutes late? 'Cuz you had to show me that fucking thing on Youtube about the guy who sees two rainbows and freaks out. That video is 9:38 seconds long. Guess how late we were to the fucking Social Network, genius? Coincidence? Think again.