We’ve got so much crap in this country that our collective rectums might just need another lane installed. Of course there are many different types of crap. Some crap you create yourself and flush away without another thought. Other crap you buy because you see an ad for it on television and then later on, after you realize there’s a reason the human race has gone without said crap for X thousands of years, you throw it in the trash or give it to the poor people.
My job ladies and gentlemen, as thankless as it is, is to review some of this crap before you, the person, waste your hard earned/stolen time/money on it.
Fellow Citizens! I have spared no expense scouring the internet in search of products that you, the person, might find captivating, ingenious, erotic and yes, even beautiful.
I have chosen three such products and put them against every test I know to see if they are worth the suggested manufacturers retail price to you, the person.
So without further ado:
Product #1: Solid Gold S.E.P.
I found this on Amazon.Com. Guess what S.E.P. stands for. Sweet Emotional Promise? Soul Empowerment Package? Septum Elongation Pills? Wrong. How about Stop Eating Poop. That’s right, for all you scat-o-vores out there who flunked out of shit-eaters anonymous because you just couldn’t make it through the day without eating out of the toilet, here’s the product for you.
Originally designed for dogs, Solid Gold S.E.P. contains a compound called Cyanocobalamin which is more commonly known as vitamin B-12. Usually Cyanocobalamin is made by bacteria inside the colons of healthy mammals. However, when something is amiss diet wise (or when said beastie is infested with various intestinal parasites) the production of Cyanocobalamin is reduced and must be replaced via other sources. That’s why you tend to see dogs eating each others shit so often and why, as a dog owner, you should be proud when you see another dog eat your dog’s shit. It means your dog is healthier than that dog.
Anyway, bottom line: if you (or your dog) are suffering from a Cyanocabalamin deficiency and can’t stop eating the shit of other mammals, Solid Gold S.E.P might just be for you. As far as my own personal critique goes, perhaps I am not the best person to review this particular product as I have never felt the urge to snack on scat. Still, after mixing Solid Gold S.E.P. powder in with my morning smoothie for a week I can honestly say that I still go to the bathroom without fork in hand and when I come across dog feces in the park, I still tend to walk around it.
Solid Gold S.E.P. (Stop Eating Poop) 3.5oz
for only $8.09!! Rating: 2 out of 4 Stars
It tastes like shit!
Product #2: The Biniki “Butt Bra.”
It sort of makes sense actually. The bigger you are, the more gravity loves you. The traditional “breast bra” has proved widely popular over the years -barring that brief stint by young female arsonists during the ‘60s- so why not a butt bra? Why not indeed.
Apart from sounding like the word “Bikini” spoken by a profoundly retarded man, the Biniki looks like a Bikini made by a profoundly retarded man.
The Biniki is designed to offer support to sagging buttocks by propping up each cheek with a thick band of nylon and then supporting that weight by strapping around one’s mid-section, just above the pelvis. The size can be adjusted via an easy to use “three-ring system” and further adjusted by using a series of leg-hoops just bellow the buttocks.
Again, the premise is sound and really, in this vain culture, it does make sense or at least is consistent with our penchant for not making sense. Perhaps it is that I am a male and am not used to wearing similar devices across my chest. Perhaps it is that I only weigh 135 pounds and have the taught gluteal musculature of a 19 year-old Swedish cabin boy, or perhaps it is that I can’t quite justify paying nearly $30 for something that doesn’t even really count as underwear. Regardless, I was NOT sold on the Biniki.
I wore the hellish contraption for a single day in a variety of locations. I went to dinner with the Biniki. I promenaded my way around the city wearing the Biniki. I went to the bathroom wearing the Biniki and I even went dancing with the Biniki.
Let it be known that the Biniki does work. Both my buttocks were lent ample support throughout the evening. Let it further be known that the adjustable straps worked like a dream and I rarely felt like the Biniki was in control. Let it be also known that, while wearing the Biniki one becomes afflicted with an almost unbearable sensation of having to defecate. Constantly. Perhaps I was wearing the Biniki too tightly, perhaps my posterior was too slight to require the assistance of the Biniki. Regardless, walking around all day looking like you have to take a shit isn’t my idea of high fashion and I’d prefer seeing a slightly sagging bottom over a clenched face any day of the week..
The Biniki “Butt Bra” By KarinArt Inc.
In White or Black $29.95
1 out of 4 Stars.
Product #3: Hello Kitty Vibrator
Hey Kids! What’s creepier than hell?!! Turning a beloved icon of childhood innocence into a tool for having super intense orgasms at the push of a button!
Wow. I can’t believe this thing really exists. I had actually heard rumors for years but I had placed them into the same camp as KFC Popcorn Chicken being made from chicken tumors. It just doesn’t make sense. And yet, the pink monolith standing before me now attests to the fact that not all rumors are false and some dreams do come true.
The Hello Kitty Vibrator is specifically a vibrator. That is, it was made specifically to provide sexual gratification. At least, that’s my opinion based on the shape of the thing as every word on the box is in Japanese. Perhaps the product was never intended for sale outside it’s native land? Who knows. What I do know is that the vibrator is pink. The shaft is six inches long or so, rounded at the end and has a little statue of Hello Kitty herself (does this mean Hello Kitty is a Lesbian?) mounted atop the device. The shaft then extends from her groin like a gigantic hemorrhoid or an obscenely engorged clitoris.
Presumably one grasps Ms. Kitty by the torso and thrusts the shaft wherever it is needed. One does not orgasm from sheer cuteness alone! There is a switch located on the shaft (labeled in English) that turns the quiet but powerful motor on. This causes the entire device to vibrate intensely. When placed in contact with certain areas of the body one may experience sensations of euphoria quickly followed by intense guilt and shame when one notices Hello Kitty’s innocent face staring out from whatever orifice she has been plunged into.
I will not delve too deeply into my personal experience with the Hello Kitty Vibrator. Needless to say, there are some things that words cannot describe, perhaps should not describe. Furthermore, like the Biniki before it I realize that the Hello Kitty Vibrator was probably intended for use by a woman, in this case probably a young Japanese woman. But, as I mentioned in my mission statement earlier, I have spared no expense either financially or emotionally in bringing you, the person, the most accurate and honest reviews possible. That said:
Hello Kitty Vibrator Massager Masturbator - New From Japan
$48.00!!!!4 out of 4 Stars and worth every stinking penny.
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