How To: Cure Cancer!

Heard a rumor, you had a tumor

Uh-oh! Got the lumps?

Don't worry, it happens to the best of us and with this easy do-it-yourself guide you'll be in remission in no time!*

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:

1 tissue culture flask filled with trypticase soy agar

Several syringes ranging in size from 60ml-120ml capacity

1 Tourniquet (a regular ol' belt will do!)

Several blood separation tubes lined with a gel possessing a specific gravity of between 1.060-1.065 g/cm3

A healthy friend with the same blood type as you (no cancer!)

A centrifuge

Rubber gloves

A Celestron 44340 LCD Digital LDM Biological Microscope

A sample of a human retrovirus that has become activated via the removal of the protein ESAT (Ask your local hospital or go on EBAY)


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THE PROCEDURE

1. First take some blood from your healthy friend using the tourniquet and syringe. (120 ml should do).
2. Place blood in separation tubes (split sample among three tubes)
3. Place two of the tubes in centrifuge and set on speed 2 for one hour. Place the other tube in cold storage.
4. Turn off centrifuge.
5. By now the lymphocytes (white blood cells) should have separated from the rest of the blood. They will appear as a white layer almost like congealed bacon fat.
6. Put one of the tubes in cold storage.
7. Harvest a sample of the healthy lymphocytes from the remaining tube.
8. Next take the sample and place in one of the blood culture tanks lined with trypticase soy agar.
9. Administer a small amount (just eyeball it) of the prepared retrovirus to the lymphocytes.
10. Cover and place in a nutrient bath and monitor for several hours.
11. Take a sample and observe under electron microscope. The lymphocytes should now be "infected" with the retrovirus and should appear like this:

Not all retroviruses are bad

(notice the uniform size and color. This is a sign of infection.)

12. Take the tube of un-separated blood out of cold storage.
13. Bring the blood up to body temperature and then combine the retrovirus infected lymphocytes to the healthy blood.
14. Now comes the fun part. Inject yourself with this retro-cocktail! The vein in the arm is fine.
15. If all goes correctly, the retrovirus should act as a blood-hound (pun intended!) sniffing throughout your system for a certain protein which grows on the outsides of tumor walls.
16. The retrovirus delivers genes that allow for the production of T Cell Receptors. These receptors work much like packets of plastic explosive and when they get attached to tumor walls they blow them up! Take that cancer!
17. Obviously this treatment must be repeated under a strict regiment (three times a day in fact) for several months. But if all goes well your cancer may very well go into remission!
18. Congratulations!

Check back Next Week for: How to Kill Your Target!

*For the love of god, don't try this at home folks.