Devil Farts in Hand, Smells It

Never shake hands with the Devil

In addition to tempting mankind into sin, possessing the bodies of unbaptized children and spreading depravity and corruption through-out the land,  the recent discovery of a series of ancient Biblical texts show that Satan, the great opponent of God, was also  fond of farting into his own hand and smelling it.

"It's a logical extension of the diabolical aspect," says religious iconologist  Kip Zachwell, "traditionally cleanliness and godliness have been closely associated with one another. So have evil and foulness. Certainly it [farting into one's own hand and smelling it] falls into the latter category."

The newly discovered texts now nicknamed "The Stinkhand Scrolls" were discovered in a series of burial caves in the Shav'id Mountains east of  Jerusalem.

Though written in Aramaic the scrolls have been translated into English.

The following passage clearly describes Satan (or Lucifer) checking to see if any one is nearby before reaching his hand back, farting solidly into his palm then bringing it to his nose and inhaling deeply:

"...And a mighty tremor built so that the ground shook and Lucifer took his hand and placed it to his crack [literally: his rupture] and there issued forth a foul noise and the air hung heavy and then Lucifer raised his hand to his face and smelt of it and the birds fell dead from the heavens."

Other passages in the scrolls suggest that Satan is an emotionally unstable drunk and a selfish lover.

Furthermore 666, the so called "number of the beast" once thought to be the mystical designation of evil is revealed in the scrolls to be merely the area code of Satan's actual number in Los Angeles, the last seven digits being 714-2987.

Theories that the scrolls are actually a series of angry letters from Satan's ex-girlfriend Clarise have yet to be substantiated.