Excerpt from the Santa Claus Interview

He's dreaming of a predominantly White Christmas

The following is an excerpt from the Amnesty International Interview with Saint Nicholas conducted by Martin Polk on August 12, 2009 in the North Pole.



August 12, 2009

--I met Saint Nicholas at his home in  the North Pole. He led me to a comfortable drawing room and offered me a bourbon and water.

POLK: So, this is actually a very nice...house? Mansion? What do you call it?

SAINT NICK: (Coughs, clears throat) Well technically it's a ranch house.

P: Well it's very nice. And who lives here? Just you and your wife right?

SN: Yeah, me and her. And sometimes we'll get a visitor. Stay a few days.

P: Really, like an, an elf or somebody-

SN: No. The Elves have their own...the elves have a very different idea of hospitality than we do. They live, they live- (motioning far, far away) -

P: But you have them over from time to time though, they must visit and-

SN: No. No I've never had one here.

P: You've never had an elf...what, in the -in the house? In this house?

SN: Well, I mean, they built it, obviously but after that....

P: What, they don't want to or-

SN: They don't want to and frankly I don't want them to. It's mutual.

P: You don't want them to set foot in your house.

SN: I prefer that we keep different social circles.

P: Why, because you work together and you want to separate your work and your-

SN: It's a little more complex than that but...essentially. Yes. Something like that.

P: So who do you have over to the house if not the elves. Are there other people here in...the North Pole, other people like yourself?

SN: I have friends from all over the world. It's not like I'm a hermit up here. We, me and Mrs. Claus, we only work a few months out of the year and the rest of the time we take advantage of the lifestyle my career has allowed us.

P: So, you go travelling?

SN: Yes. God, absolutely. The North Pole is a great place to get work done,-labor's very, very cheap for instance- but it's not the sort of place you'd want to pursue any sort of social life.

(Suddenly Saint Nicholas becomes agitated. He turns to a nearby window.)

SN: What are you looking at! Go on! Get out of here! Go on!!!

(I turn to look and notice a small, delicate face wreathed in jingle bells. It's staring forlornly through the Northern most window. A second later and it's gone. Saint Nicholas has turned red with anger. He continues staring at the window until long after the face has disappeared.)

P: Was that an elf?

SN: (Grumbles something unintelligible, sips his bourbon and water.)

P: You seemed to be very angry at him. Has he done something wrong?

SN: Wrong? Well, trespassing for starters. This is private property. They know that. This place is off limits to them.

P: He just seemed like he was curious. I don't think there was any harm done-

SN: No harm done? Boy, you city slickers don't have a clue do you? They're like ants. You let one in, two more will show up. You let those in, four more show up.  Pretty soon the place is INFESTED. Then you've got problems. Then you've got problems.

(Saint Nicholas swirls his bourbon and water).

P: But they work for you.

SN: Yes.

P: You need them. You rely on them.

SN: They're convenient for me, yes.

P: And do you, pay them for their services?

SN: In a manner of speaking.

P: What do you mean, in a manner of speaking? Do they receive monetary compensation for their labor?

SN: Money means nothing to them.

P: So what do you pay them in.

SN: I'm not going to answer that. Just rest assured it's a sort of currency they prefer.

P: Is it Jingle bells?

SN: I already told you I'm not answering that question.

P: Are you a racist bigot sir?

SN: This interview is over.