CERN Scientist Speaks: "We May All Be Living Inside the Asshole of a Young Boy!"

"They're where?"

By Creme Bremerton

I-Phone? Check. Wi-fi? Check.  Secret of the universe....er...

While technology continues to make unprecedented leaps and bounds, the big questions still remain un-answered: why are we here? And where exactly are we anyway?

Recently however, a large piece of the puzzle seems to have fallen into place. And you'll never guess where that place is.

"Well it's very interesting" says CERN particle physicist Dr. Adrian Rance, "for the longest time we thought that we were the center of a very finite universe. Then, thanks to a series of breakthroughs we learned that we were, in fact, merely a speck in an infinitely expanding universe. Now, with the Large Hadron Collider and recent experiments in light refraction, we're starting to realize that space IS finite after all and has a very definite shape."

For those "out of the loop" so to speak, the Large Hadron Collider is the world's largest particle accelerator. Over 20 km long and capable of accelerating protons to 9/10s the speed of light, the collider offers unprescedented potential for dissecting the universe around us and finally learning what makes it all tick.

"The LHC is sort of like the world's sharpest knife." says Rance. "For the first time we're finally able to break down the universe to a fundamental level and that's exciting."

Chief amongst the proposed experiments at CERN is the so-called "fabric mapping". By accelerating particles to very high-speeds and then refracting them off of each other the scientists at CERN have been able to create a sort of high-speed "sonar" using particles of light instead of sound.

The resulting information, when properly assembled via computer, is a remarkable, albeit rather clumsy portrait of the known universe.

The more tests they performed however, the more vivid the image became until finally a strangely familiar shape began to emerge.

"For a good day and a half we just sort of stared [at the computer generated image]. " Says Rance. "Then finally somebody just said it: 'You know what that kind of looks like-'"

According to Rance and his colleagues, all evidence from these experiments point to the staggering possibility that Earth, our galaxy and, in fact, the entire known universe exists inside the asshole of a young boy.

"We were as shocked as anyone," said Rance. "I mean, our best guess was that we were all living inside some sort of infinite and self perpetuating 11 dimensional membrane whose properties were by and large governed by the vibrations of impossibly tiny strings made of pure energy. I can honestly say that I never once considered the possibility that we were all simply living inside the asshole of a young boy."

Renowned proctologists were brought in to verify the data. Recognizable muscle groups and other anotomical features were quickly identified amongst the bleary, pixelated images.

"The image quality isn't so good," says Dr. Leonard Ghims, a proctologist at Mt. Sinai hospital in New York, "but it's on par with a regular sonogram from a routine colonostomy. I have to say, if you were to present this to me with no other explanation and asked me to tell you what it was, I'd say with a certain degree of confidence that it is a sonically generated image of the interior of a young boy's asshole. I've seen a thousand of them."

Obviously the religious and psychological ramifications of this discovery are potentially devastating.

"It's awful," says Rance, "I can't do anything anymore without that thought rolling over in my head. I'm shopping for groceries...inside a young boys asshole. I'm washing my car....inside a young boy's asshole. I'm making love to my wife...well you get the picture."

And it doesn't stop there. As Rance points out: everything that has ever happened in our history has taken place inside a young boy's asshole. Every word Shakespeare ever wrote, every symphony Mozart ever composed has occurred inside the untold cosmic depths of a young boy's asshole.

While the exact age and identity of the boy remain unknown, experts agree that whoever he is, he is in decent health and likely between the ages of 9 and 12.

"Not that it matters, but he's probably also caucasian," added Dr. Ghims. "You can tell by the size of the prostate."