Sarah Palin Found to be Made Entirely Out of Cancer

The marauding clot of free radicals known as Sarah Palin

By Leo French

Following a minor stumble on a patch of wet pavement during the filming of her new reality show "Palin!" Sarah Palin was admitted to the emergency room at Homer Alaska's Frontier National Hospital Saturday afternoon.

There, following a series of routine tests, Sarah Palin was found to be made entirely out of cancer.

"Now let's make this very clear," said Dr. Martin Gebbes, head oncologist at Frontier hospital, "Sarah Palin doesn't HAVE cancer, she IS cancer."

Apparently Palin's entire body is composed entirely of cancerous cells, free radicals that have, due to a series of mutations, begun to replicate themselves out of control -in this case, into the graven shape of Sarah Palin.

"I've honestly never seen anything quite like it," says Gebbes, "usually cancer infects a part of a person's body, never the whole thing."

Cancer tends to come in two different types: benign and malignant.

Generally, benign tumors tend to be kept in-line by the body's own immune system which attacks and ultimately regulates potentially cancerous growths.

Occasionally however, a tumor can grow in such a way that the body's own defenses are not aware of the danger until it is too late.

When this happens, the tumor becomes "malignant" and begins siphoning off valuable resources from normal cells in order to feed itself.

"But the great danger of course," says Dr. Gebbes, "is when a tumor metastasizes. That's when cancer actually enters the blood stream and spreads to other parts of the body."

According to Gebbes, in Palin's case this seemed to have happened sometime in late 2008.

"Before then it [Palin] was definitely something I would have watched carefully for signs of growth, strange discoloration and so on," says Gebbes, "but at least she was mostly relegated to Alaska."

When shown a map of the United States post 2008 with Palin visits outlined in red Gebbes shakes his head.

"If this were a patient's x-ray, I'd give them three months to live. Tops."

When informed of the rather surprising diagnosis the Sarah Palin tumor seemed strangely up-beat saying "now that's what I call goin' Rogue!"