How To: Summon a Demon!

WHAT YOU'LL NEED:

1. An altar (Preferably one stained with blood.)

2. Sacrificial material: (I like to use prime rib but any type of high quality meat will do. Although please note that generally Demons find meat substitutes (i.e. Boca, Tofurkey etc...) to be offensive and will often punish with fire if these offerings are made.

3. A summoning medium (essentially any sort of liquid will do but bodily fluids tend to hold special favor with these creatures.)

4. Chalk (for drawing diagrams and summoning circles).

5. Suitable music. To set the mood. I’ve used many things over the years but I’ve found that the B side of the Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom soundtrack works perfectly. Purchase it here:

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom [Original Motion Picture Soundtrck]

6. Some incendiary material. (I use lighter fluid myself.)

7. A fire extinguisher.

8. Snacks, drinks and other refreshments you may personally require.

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THE RITUAL:

First of all you must decide what Demon you are going to summon. There is a vast pantheon of demons and dark servants out there and each has it’s own particular benefits and dangers!!

For this particular guide we are going to be focusing on summoning Radishangar, a minor plague imp of the Valtenzarg and a former servant of Grantack the God Eater (If the scrolls of Golti-Marchi-Brolian can be believed anyway!! Thanks Pam -ED).

1. To begin with, clear your summoning space of all debris. Make sure you have removed any and all posters or packages with visible brand names from the walls and surfaces. Demons are a very critical lot and will judge you on your political and even artistic preferences.

Next: take your chalk and, on the floor draw an isocolces triangle. Make sure the triangle is exactly 4 feet on it’s two longest sides.

Next: draw a square around the triangle, containing it.

NOTE: Make sure that the two sides are exactly the same length! If Radishangar is not summoned inside an isocoles triangle he will speak only lies!

ALSO: Make sure the square is completely closed otherwise Radishangar can escape and spread disease.

2. Place your offering on the altar.

No real ritual is needed for this. Since you haven’t summoned Radishangar yet, he will not be paying attention to what you do at this point.

3. Next, turn on Indiana Jones (I use a cassette. If you’re using a CD, use track #7 and just keep it there on repeat for the duration of the ritual.)

Say the following words in a deep, clear, strong voice:

NOW IS THE TIME OF THE GREAT INCONGRUITY
WHEN THE DOORS OF THE VALTENZARG WILL SWING WIDE
AND THE WRITHING SERPENT OF GOLTI-MARCHI-BROLIAN
WILL EMERGE IN A FLOOD OF DARKNESS AND ALL LIGHT BEFORE IT
SHALL BE CONSUMED BY THE THOUSAND AND ONE MOUTHS
OF GRANTACK THE GOD-EATER.
HEAR ME NOW AND ACCEPT THIS OFFERING !

4. Now, spray your offering with lighter fluid and light it. Not too much, you don’t want to burn the house down!

5. Once the meat is burning say the following words in a deep, clear, strong voice

(NOTE: try to time it in synch with the Kali Ma chant on Indiana Jones.)

WHEN THE SOULS OF THE RELUCTANT DEAD
GATHER TO STOKE THE FIRES THAT SMOLDER
AT THE BASE OF THE DARKEN CAVE OF BRAG-MILDEN-ZERN
HOME TO THE NINE TORMENTORS OF RADISHANGAR,
THERE BEATS THE HEART OF THE ONE WITH NO NAME.
FORGED IN THE TALLOW OF HUMAN BONES
HIS FIST BEATS THE ANVIL OF GOD
AND CRACKS THE VERY MANTLE OF HEAVEN.

6. Now take your summoning medium and spray a little into each of the four corners of the square.

(I like to use one of those condiment bottles that chefs use to put sauce on their dishes. You can get them for $1.50 at any restaurant supply store.)

NOTE: Remember, if you’ve decided to use urine or another bodily fluid, make sure to keep the bottle out of the kitchen or at least label it: SUMMONING MEDIUM to avoid confusion.

7. By now your offering should be pretty well cooked. Time to put it out. If the lighter fluid has pretty well exhausted itself, you can just cover the offering with a bowl or something else to snuff it out. If the lighter fluid has managed to catch fire to your altar then just use your fire extinguisher to put it out.

NOTE: Do not use a wooden or flammable altar!
However, DO NOT ACTUALLY REMOVE THE OFFERING FROM THE ALTAR UNTIL THE DEMON HAS LEFT. If you do so, the DEMON may believe that you are stealing from it and cause you harm.

8. Once the fire is out, spray the rest of the SUMMONING MEDIUM into the middle of the triangle and wait.

NOTE: Be patient! Demons are notoriously poor with time management and this might take anywhere from 2-3 days. Aren’t you glad you brought those snacks?
You should know that your demon has arrived when a foul odor emanates from the altar. When this happens say in a clear, strong voice:

HARK! HATH THOUH DEMON ENTERED INTO MY DOMAIN?

The demon may or not answer. Do not be deterred.

Be sure to check back next week for how to get rid of the dern Thing!