DAD HATE

(Transcript from an ad I saw last night on Illinois public access TV)


INT. A KID’S ROOM-NIGHT

A little kid sits in bed.
His father, a jerk in a suit is yelling at him.

DAD
And this room is a mess! I work all day to put food on the table and this is what I come home to?

The kid stares on, innocent, easily wounded by words. Close on the father’s mouth. Spitting with rage.

DAD (CONT'D)
You’re useless! You’re lazy! Don’t look at me like that! Hey! Hey! I’m not done talking to you! Why couldn’t you have turned out more like your brother?

The scene freezes and a muscular BEAST OF A MAN walks in front of the camera like in an old, low budget divorce lawyer ad.

He looks like the MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE.

BEAST OF A MAN
(Points to camera)
Hey kids! You hate your dad? Well give me a call. I’ll throw your dad off a fuckin’ roof!

As he’s taking we-

CUT TO:

EXT. BUILDING-NIGHT
The BEAST of a MAN tosses the SCREAMING DAD off the roof in slow-mo.

BACK TO:

INT. A KID’S ROOM-NIGHT
The scene remains frozen. The beast of a man continues talking to the camera.

BEAST OF A MAN
Call 1-800-455-2600 or go to WWWW.DADHATE.COM. Act now and I’ll run your mother over with a fucking garbage truck.

The DADHATE logo spins into frame.

BLACK

INT. DINING ROOM-NIGHT

The FATHER from earlier sits at the table with a MOTHER and the SON from earlier.
Plates of healthy vegetables line the table.

The SON is throwing a TANTRUM.

SON
I HATE IT! IT’S DISGUSTING! I’M NOT EATING IT! I WANT MACARONI! I WANT MACARONIIIII!!!!!!

The FATHER and MOTHER look at each other, exhausted.

The SCENE freezes and the SAME BEAST of a MAN from earlier steps on screen.

BEAST OF A MAN
Hey Mom, Dad, kid won’t eat his greens? Drop me a line and I’ll make him eat all the dirt in the fucking yard!

CUT TO:
EXT. LAWN-DAY

The BEAST OF A MAN holds the KID down and shovels dirt and grass into his mouth.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO
The BEAST OF A MAN stands in front of a graphic backdrop that says: KIDHATE.

BEAST OF A MAN
Call 1-800-455-2600 or go to WWW.KIDHATE.COM. While you’re at it make sure to check out our other services:

As he’s talking various STILL IMAGES flash across the screen.
Each image shows the BEAST OF A MAN throwing the specified object off a fucking roof.

BEAST OF A MAN (CONT'D)
DOGHATE, BRIDEHATE, BOSSHATE, TAXHATE, BRAHATE and SHARKHATE.

Back to the BEAST of MAN.

BEAST OF A MAN (CONT'D)
Act now and I’ll kill you my fucking self!

Overcome with rage, he runs towards the camera.

BLACK.

CUT TO:

INT. STUDIO

THE BEAST OF A MAN sits in a chair in the middle of the studio.

The KID and DAD stand behind him, smiling warmly.

BEAST OF A MAN
Hey, sometimes I joke about breaking your yappy dog in half or killin’ your fucking kid but hate is no laughing matter. I’ve got a chemical imbalance and it’s turning me into a monster.

The father lays a nervous hand on the BEAST OF A MAN’s shoulder.

BEAST OF A MAN (CONT'D)
I’m trying so hard.

The BEAST OF A MAN smiles awkwardly at the camera.

A RAINBOW SPATTERED LOGO which reads: “TOGETHER WE CAN” floats across the screen.
The sound of a flute.

BLACK